In November 2008, I was told my pregnancy was twin, however one was smaller than the other, we were in regularly for growth scan and the little fighter was growing but at slower rate than the other.
Unfortunalty in Jan 2009, we recieved devistaying news the smaller twins heart beat could not be found. The consultant said the other twin was doing well and had two options, carry on with the pregnancy and deliver the other baby (which would shrink naturally) when the other twin was due, or to terminate the other twin.
Well I strongly do not believe in terminations so we went ahead, it was hard or so hard. I even blamed myself a lot thinking it was my fault I could not keep the other baby growing etc etc.
Throught out the rest the pregnancy I was classed as high risk due to the other twin and my BMI. So we had regular scans, midwife appointment etc etc, but still I dreaded these appointments incase I heard the news again.
At around 30weeks we had decision to make again, upon delivery of the healthy baby there would be some signs of another baby, (although be unclear it’s was a baby). Myself and partner made a decision for the hospital to dispose of the remain of the other twin, a decision that was right at the time but now almost 7years on I wish I didn’t decide that way.
In July 2009, I had a great natural birth, Ava-May was born at 4:58pm , on the 24th, weighing 7lb 61/2oz. I did natal hypnosis which was great for keeping me calm after the changes over the pregnancy. I had a few issues after the birth and slow recovery and thought was the end of issues.
That was until I realised, there really was no support for me. First finding out having twins, then becoming singleton pregnancy. Then issues after the birth I felt so alone, misunderstood n heart broken.
I searched my own guidance to recovering from a loss from S.A.N.D.S online. When I came across baby loss awareness week and the global wave of light. This was a great release knowing there was others out there like me, struggling with grief at same time as joy….
Fast forward 6 years, my children Ava-May (twin 1) and my Son now 4, and I visited the national memorial auberitum. There it was S.A.N.D.S memoral garden, we visited. Ava-May has always know about her twin, she releases a ballon on her birthday for her twin to have a play with. She asked if we could make a stone too like ones we saw. I thought this was very fitting as assecced S.A.N.D.S online help, this took us a while to do, as I kept putting it off, unsure how I would feel going back.
Then in July 2016, I stopped via social media a S.A.N.D.S Staffordshire and noticed there family day at the S.A.N.D.S. Garden, so thought be great way to return and place our stone, along with two close friends for thier loss. Both my children helped sort the stones, picking and painting them.
The day came, the children were excited to be going back to the national memorial arboretum, Ava-May took responsibility of the stones in her back pack, requesting to place her twins and Ryin asked for our friends.
We meet the Staffordshire support team, best thing I have done. Discussed a few things with them and felt like such a release. I really was not along in feeling there was no grievance support. The Staffordshire branch only 4years old, but I was welcome to join there monthly meetings even though my loss is now over 7 years. They were discussing where’d they are taken the branch, in funding training for midwifes and other hospital pregnancy/maternity team in grief and more.
Every year I fundraise for S.A.N.D.S and this year donated £200 to the Staffordshire branch, to help support this training. I am also now looking into accessing the meetings and gaining further support from them.
Eventhough my loss has been 7 1/2 years it’s still raw, why me? What if? How? All these questions and emotions really do stay with you forever. However, you really are not alone. I have come to connect with May people even globally via social media who are gone through miscarriage and still birth. And many like me recieved no support.
So let’s hope the global wave of light and local S.A.N.D.S Staffordshire are able to reach out to more.
babyloss awareness week 9-15th October,
wave of light, 15th October, 7pm.
More infor and support: